The Night We Found Out!
One evening in October, Jeff was doing dishes and I was staring at the calendar thinking hard about the dates. We were about the watch tv together and snuggle on the couch and I needed to get something off my mind. So I ran to the upstairs bathroom and dug out a dollar store pregnancy test from the very back of the under-sink cabinet. Once in a while I'd take one just to check if I couldn't remember when my last periods was. They were always negative and I'd usually start in the next day or two. So I stared in shock as the test showed the two lines meaning pregnant. My heart leapt and I laughed and ran downstairs with a shocked expression on my face and held it in front of Jeff's face. I don't remember exactly what he said but I was worried he'd be surprised and unhappy about the timing. But he was incredibly pleased and excited. His response was such a blessing.
I'd waited for three years. We'd had so many hard discussions that usually ended in my tears or in his silence. But he continued to listen and I continued to pray. And God's timing is the best timing, bc just two months prior Jeff had first mentioned that maybe, if we were going to do this, if I was really sure, that maybe we should start trying in January on/after our trip to Israel. I remember this conversation vividly bc I was so excited at the YES that was his maybe. He had first mentioned it was possible and that he was open to the idea, not completely shut off anymore, just months before that. subtle things like planning the house with five cubbies instead of four, discussing kids sharing rooms if needed. Anyway, he told me the "maybe-we-should-maybe-try plan" while we had our favorite family breakfast together at Classic Cup. A caramel latte and Sticky French toast with bacon and over easy eggs for me; and a split order of pancakes and bacon for Quinn and Sawyer. He said it and later backtracked and said "well, I mean, let's talk more about it." To which I said- what is it that you still want to talk about. J- Are you sure? You still want another baby? Me- Yes Jeff. Yes. I want another baby. This is not going to go away. My heart wants one more child. One more pregnancy. One more birth. One more member of our family.
And that was all that could be said. So logically brained Jeff says: well, if we are going to do this we should try to get pregnant after the trip and have the baby after getting settled into our new house and before the kids get any older. So January it is. Except we had a wonderful surprise from our God who knows our needs and desires and what's best for us better than we do, and I was pregnant October. It could have happened like that at any point in the last three years but Jeff wouldn't have been ready. It would have been fine. He would have come around and been excited. But this was so much better.
I wish I could say I was wholeheartedly trusting and patient of God's plan and timing and answer. But the truth is that I wrestled with it, with God, with my untrusting nature. I wrestled hard. I remember long ago thinking that there was no way that Jeff's heart would change. No matter how hard I prayed I thought he was so stubborn and set that I couldn't imagine him actually coming around and being excited about another child. I started off praying that it would accidentally happen because I wanted it so bad and I *knew* his heart would not change unless it just happened. I tried to take control into my own hands and then gave it up again in exasperation. I prayed desperate prayers and yet was tempted to get my way through manipulation. I was sometimes unsure of my true motives and desires. But this felt too important to let go of, too hard to open my grasp and trust God with. My desires were not going to change, I didn't want them to change. It took me two years to even truly pray for God's will, and for unity in our marriage, even if that meant my heart changing and not Jeff's. And even at that I can not say it was always an honest prayer. I asked my BSF and Corpus groups to pray for God's will when I couldn't. I had years of prayers from these women. I asked for forgiveness, for help in my unbelief. Desperate, broken, and when I needed a break from the wrestling, I finally let it go and just waited. I waited in hope. After two years I watched Jeff's heart slowly open. Occasionally I still talked honestly with Jeff about my desires but there was a real shift in me wanting and being willing to wait for Jeff to be just as excited and onboard. I decided it was okay for the kids to be older, that there was no rush. I would wait and pray and let go over and over again. I realize it's easier to reflect on this because the final answer was a YES and not a NO. I don't know how long this road would have been if the answer had ultimately been NO. All I have is our own story. And God's grace.
The most lovely surprise, the best gift- was when I showed him the positive pregnancy test and his face lit up with excitement. Not forced, but truly excited and ready.
