Dear Quinn- our weaning letter

I wrote this last week but couldn't post it until now bc the internet was down.

Dear Quinn,

Sunday is your 18 month birthday, and it is also the day that Mommy and Daddy will leave for our first vacation without you.  You are staying with Grandma and Grandpa, and I know they will take great care of you and you will have so much fun.  I will have a hard time leaving you and will miss you so much because I’ve never been away from you for more than a few hours.  But in a few days we will be back and you will be in my arms again.  

This brings me to the real purpose of the letter.  Since this is our first time apart overnight, I won’t be there to nurse you at night before bed or in the morning when you wake up.  I thought about weaning you before this trip but I just couldn’t do it.  It was too much to wean you on top of leaving you for a week.  I also realized that this trip would be the only reason I was weaning you.  You see I am completely content with the way things are going with your nursing and sleeping, and so are you.  There is no reason to mess with our perfect set up.  We finally have a good rhythm going and have been enjoying it for months.  But it is very important for Mommy and Daddy to take this trip together and have some time to ourselves.  My “plan” is to pump while I am away and when I get back, if you still want to nurse, we can pick up where we left off.  As for you, it breaks my heart that I won’t be there to hold you and rock you and nurse you.  But from what I’ve read, at this age you will know that since I am not there you can’t nurse, and Grandma and Grandpa will just offer you milk and rock you and hold you the same that I would.  I’m sure it will be harder on me then on you, at least that’s what I hope.  But just in case I stop making milk or you decide to be done nursing once I return, I wanted to write you this letter.  And if we continue to nurse then I will save this letter for the day that you do wean.

This is a big day for both of us.  This is something we have shared your entire life that we will never have again.  I have so many fond memories of nurturing you at my breast.  I remember the first time, when they brought you in from the NICU and I saw and held you for the first time, 2 long hours after they swept you away to get you breathing and stable.

In the beginning I wrote down every feeding because I wanted to make sure you were getting enough to eat. If you slept more than three hours at night I woke to nurse you so you could grow big and strong. You were so little then and I was so worried that you weren’t gaining enough weight.  I took you to a breastfeeding support group every week to have you weighed.  Your Daddy couldn’t feed you but he helped me. When we were still learning how to nurse it took both my hands to hold your squirmy little body close to mine. Daddy brought me water with a straw and held it so I could drink while you did. Nursing you used to make me so thirsty, it would hit me all at once and I would yell to your daddy for water.

Nursing wasn’t always easy as it is now.  For 3 months it was extremely painful and hard.  It was exhausting to be the only one who could feed you, and to be so worried all the time about you gaining enough weight.  It did not feel natural at first, it took time and support from friends for us both to learn what we were doing.  But it also felt so right, like how a mama was meant to love her baby. I knew from the very beginning that formula was not ever going to be an option, so we worked through it and figured it out.   My friends said it would be worth it . . . and it surpassed all my expectations.  

You never really took a bottle or a binky, you never formed an attachment to a lovey, a blanket, or anything else- just to me.  Nursing was what would put you to sleep, calm you down, give you peace.  Even now it’s just about the only time you lie still in my arms, cuddling with me.  You are a busy toddler now, but when you nurse you are at rest and content.

By the time you were 6 months old, and had your first bite of solid food, you had nursed about 1,440 times.  100% mama grown- for 15 months, first in my belly, then at my breast, I had nourished you. And you were perfect.  After starting solid foods you still preferred to nurse, not eating many solids until several months later.

 To be continued . . .

Friday 1/18/13  

Tonight, I’m thinking of how we might only have three times of nursing left, this makes me want to bawl my eyes out but I stop myself because this might not be the end.  I’m reflecting on how sweet it has been to nurse you lately.  You sometime stop in the middle and point to my eye or nose and say the word and then latch back on.  Sometimes if you heard the dogs bark you would stop to bark and then continue nursing.  If you happened to feel like playing with my face, sometimes I would hold your hand and blow raspberries on you little palm, then you would grin and giggle while nursing.  Lately every time I say it’s time for bed and to go “nigh night” you say “nurse! nurse!” and you tap your chest (our sign for nurse), then when I first lift up my shirt to nurse you you always say “belly” and put your cold little hand on my stomach.  Tonight when you stared nursing you were so active, grabbing my glasses off my face or putting your fingers in my mouth as you nursed, but before long you were at peace.  First you just looked up at me with your little hand on my side, then your eyelids started to droop and would stay closed for seconds at a time.  As I watched you, I tried to memorize your sweet, peaceful face.  You looked just like when you were a baby, nestled up against me.  Perfect.  My sweet girl.