19 weeks!

15 weeks

Oh baby #3, you've not been forgotten.  In fact, you are the bright reminder in my day, when I'm busy and distracted, or worries are weighing me down, and I feel you start to tap, I remember the miracle going on inside of me. The immeasurable, unbelievable gift that the Lord of the universe has allowed me to take part in His creation story, in your story, little one.  

19 weeks 

My belly is here! I've broken out the maternity clothes one last time.  It's all ready gone by so fast. 

Your legs are getting stronger my little mango. I felt the first tap from on top of my tummy today. Just one. I'm so excited for Quinn and Sawyer and Daddy to be able to feel your kicks and movements. And we are so excited to find out more about who you are on Tuesday at the sonogram! I'm praying you are growing healthy and strong.  

Update: As I'm writing this I'm feeling lots more kicks tonight then just the one we started with! Too bad Q and S are asleep and Daddy is gone, but I'm enjoying them myself. 

The Night We Found Out!

The Night We Found Out!

One evening in October, Jeff was doing dishes and I was staring at the calendar thinking hard about the dates. We were about the watch tv together and snuggle on the couch and I needed to get something off my mind. So I ran to the upstairs bathroom and dug out a dollar store pregnancy test from the very back of the under-sink cabinet. Once in a while I'd take one just to check if I couldn't remember when my last periods was. They were always negative and I'd usually start in the next day or two. So I stared in shock as the test showed the two lines meaning pregnant. My heart leapt and I laughed and ran downstairs with a shocked expression on my face and held it in front of Jeff's face. I don't remember exactly what he said but I was worried he'd be surprised and unhappy about the timing. But he was incredibly pleased and excited. His response was such a blessing. 

I'd waited for three years. We'd had so many hard discussions that usually ended in my tears or in his silence. But he continued to listen and I continued to pray. And God's timing is the best timing, bc just two months prior Jeff had first mentioned that maybe, if we were going to do this, if I was really sure, that maybe we should start trying in January on/after our trip to Israel. I remember this conversation vividly bc I was so excited at the YES that was his maybe. He had first mentioned it was possible and that he was open to the idea, not completely shut off anymore, just months before that. subtle things like planning the house with five cubbies instead of four, discussing kids sharing rooms if needed. Anyway, he told me the "maybe-we-should-maybe-try plan" while we had our favorite family breakfast together at Classic Cup. A caramel latte and Sticky French toast with bacon and over easy eggs for me; and a split order of pancakes and bacon for Quinn and Sawyer. He said it and later backtracked and said "well, I mean, let's talk more about it." To which I said- what is it that you still want to talk about. J- Are you sure? You still want another baby? Me- Yes Jeff. Yes. I want another baby. This is not going to go away. My heart wants one more child. One more pregnancy. One more birth. One more member of our family. 

And that was all that could be said. So logically brained Jeff says: well, if we are going to do this we should try to get pregnant after the trip and have the baby after getting settled into our new house and before the kids get any older. So January it is. Except we had a wonderful surprise from our God who knows our needs and desires and what's best for us better than we do, and I was pregnant October. It could have happened like that at any point in the last three years but Jeff wouldn't have been ready. It would have been fine. He would have come around and been excited. But this was so much better. 

I wish I could say I was wholeheartedly trusting and patient of God's plan and timing and answer. But the truth is that I wrestled with it, with God, with my untrusting nature. I wrestled hard. I remember long ago thinking that there was no way that Jeff's heart would change. No matter how hard I prayed I thought he was so stubborn and set that I couldn't imagine him actually coming around and being excited about another child. I started off praying that it would accidentally happen because I wanted it so bad and I *knew* his heart would not change unless it just happened. I tried to take control into my own hands and then gave it up again in exasperation. I prayed desperate prayers and yet was tempted to get my way through manipulation. I was sometimes unsure of my true motives and desires. But this felt too important to let go of, too hard to open my grasp and trust God with. My desires were not going to change, I didn't want them to change. It took me two years to even truly pray for God's will, and for unity in our marriage, even if that meant my heart changing and not Jeff's. And even at that I can not say it was always an honest prayer. I asked my BSF and Corpus groups to pray for God's will when I couldn't. I had years of prayers from these women. I asked for forgiveness, for help in my unbelief. Desperate, broken, and when I needed a break from the wrestling, I finally let it go and just waited. I waited in hope. After two years I watched Jeff's heart slowly open. Occasionally I still talked honestly with Jeff about my desires but there was a real shift in me wanting and being willing to wait for Jeff to be just as excited and onboard. I decided it was okay for the kids to be older, that there was no rush. I would wait and pray and let go over and over again. I realize it's easier to reflect on this because the final answer was a YES and not a NO. I don't know how long this road would have been if the answer had ultimately been NO. All I have is our own story. And God's grace. 

The most lovely surprise, the best gift- was when I showed him the positive pregnancy test and his face lit up with excitement. Not forced, but truly excited and ready. 

01/12/2016

I haven't written to you on this blog in so long.  But it's because I'm too busy living life with you.  I still take tons of photos, don't worry about that.  :)  I wish I could record every moment...well maybe not every moment, like when Mommy loses patience or Sawyer throws his food on the floor for the 1,000th time, but all the precious Kairos moments that are gone in the blink of an eye.  Sometimes I try to recreate these on video, but it's never as good.  I am so thankful for you both, my babies.

Quinn,

You love to say crazy made up words, or even just "try out" new words that you hear and aren't quite sure how to use yet.  For example, you say something yummy is "Scrumdelicious".  And the other day you were trying out the word "suffice" in a sentence.  I finally figured out that you heard that word in a recent library book we had been reading, the mom says, "I've said it once. I've said it twice. To speak again, would not not suffice!"  So you started proclaiming this line in random places like the grocery store or at the YMCA, always cracking me up and making me so proud of your quickly growing vocabulary. 

You have repetitive bad dreams about .... skunks!  I think these come from an incident this summer at Grandma and Grandpa's house where Ozark got sprayed by a skunk and then ran through their house at about midnight waking everyone up with the worst smell you can imagine. 

Sometimes your prayers bring us to tears.  Like this one:
Dear God,
Thank you for all of Your creation.  Please take away all the coughs and sickness from our family.  Take care of Chrissy and all my friends.  Take away our sin and help keep us away from bad things.  Amen.

I've been teaching you the Lord's Prayer.  Sometimes I sing it to you and you listen quietly and then say "That was beautiful Momma."

This week you had lice.  LICE!  Turns out 4 kids at preschool also had it.  It was a rough start to our week.  But as I sat with you for hours, combing out your hair piece-by-piece, I was reminded that God knows every hair on your head.  In the Message translation of Luke 12:7 it says, "And He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail- even numbering the hairs on your head!"  What an amazing truth to remember.  I want to love you like that too.  My hope-filled labor. 

During that lice debacle you said some funny things.
-"The Mommy lice teach their babies to suck my blood... that's not very nice."
-"Mom!  There was a spider on my head.  But then she jumped off.  But I think it was a nice spider because she wanted to eat the eggs.  And the bugs that are in my hair.  So I think she was a nice spider.  She must have seen an egg but then she jumped off."

You and your brother are so sweet together.  You love each other so much and are truly best friends.  I hope that will last forever.  A few weeks ago when we were walking up to communion, I was holding Sawyer and he said "down" and then ran up to you to hold your hand for communion.   Sawyer said "amen" in his sweet voice after I served him communion and you said "thanks be to God".

Sawyer,
That last one was for you too.  You love your sister so much.  Every night at bedtime you say to me: "Goodnight Quinn?" and sign for hug (fist at neck) or kiss (finger tips to mouth).  I let you down off my lap and you run to give Quinn a hug and kiss goodnight, sometimes several.  Or sometimes it's a tackle hug that turns into lots of giggling.  It is the sweetest thing for my heart to see the love that you both share with each other.

It's been a big week for us too.  I officially weaned you this week!  March 1st was our last time nursing.  I have mixed emotions but it seems like the right time for us.  It's gone better then I expected, so I guess it was the right time.  I've been intentionally slowing it down for a while down, cutting back to just that special time at night before bed, even though you still asked to nurse every single day at nap time.  Now I just say "Mommy's milk is all gone.  And you are a big boy now!"  I never intended to nurse you for almost 2.5 years, but that is what worked for us.  It was a blessing and a wonderful time to bond and snuggle with you.  You've been my baby for so long.  You are such a sweet boy, so loving.  I know we will still cuddle at night, as you are still obsessed with my hair.  You have formed a similar attachment to Grandma Kim (Nay-Nay as you call her).  We are also potty training this weekend!  So far it's going really well.  Another area that seemed to be the right time. 

And you are talking more!  Even starting to put together some sentences.  "More ride choo-choo at the zoo!?"  You are still obsessed with trains but also love all construction vehicles.  I am excited for the months ahead when I can take you to watch our house being built.  You are also surprisingly particular.  It's surprising because Quinn never had attachments to toys, blankets, preferences on the color of plate she used, how her bread was cut, etc.  You are obsessed with BLUE.  You always ask for a blue plate, spoon, fork, bowl... and if blue is dirty I have to talk you off a ledge or compromise: "Look Sawyer, I only have a yellow spoon clean BUT you can have a BLUE BOWL!!!"  You only want to read train books or books with a train on at least one of the pages.  So now I know which non-train books have illustrations of a kid's bedroom with a toy train on the shelf (Jessi Bear) or a train that appears transporting berries for two pages (Jamberry).  It has been fun to look at the library for more train books to read to you.  I never checked out books at the library for Quinn because we have so many and she loves ALL of them.  But Mommy gets a little bored reading the same 5 "Choo-choo" books to you over and over again, twice a day.  You are also a creature of habit at bed time.  Nightlight on for rocking, off once you are in bed.  You scream if I forget and leave it on.  No blankets, toys, or stuffed animals in the crib with you, so we've kept a space heater in all winter.  Sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep" and "Twinkle Twinkle"- except for one time you randomly asked for "Hey Jude".  You always want me to read the prayer book (after your choo-choo books of course) that Quinn got from JW at her dedication.  You always have to give Quinn and Daddy hugs and kisses good night.  And when you finally say goodnight to me, as I lay you in your crib, you say "Goodnight Mama" and I say "Goodnight Sawyer"  to which you say "NO... goodnight Mama" to which I reply "Oooook, goodnight Mama".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are so blessed to have the community we have at JW, specifically in our Corpus Group.  We all sit together up in the balcony at the 9AM service.  We hug and chat and hold each others babies.  We listen to the sermon and give a knowing grin as one or two of us get called down by flashing numbers on the screen to pick up a child who couldn't quiet make it through the service.  At communion we collect our children (all 14 of you, as of now) from various Kid's Community rooms and find our way to the foyer where we weave our way into communion lines that look more like a mini mosh pit as our little ones all crowd together in the center of the aisle to hold each others hands.  Then we split off into families to receive the bread and juice, and for a moment embrace the sacredness of the sacrament of our faith in Jesus, trying to pass on that glorious mystery to you, our children.  Then we head back up to the balcony, sometimes sitting in different places and keeping an eye on each other's children as you sit with each other, or run playfully across the walkway, or dance to the music, or watch the musicians play.  Then we stand to receive the benediction, which is usually the prayer I spoke over you each night for so long- "may God bless you and keep you..."  Then we all hold hand together to sing the closing song.  It is a beautiful chaos. 

Dear Quinn

Hello baby girl,  You are not quite a baby anymore. You will be four in two days!  Four years has flown by. You are the most beautiful, well spoken, creative, imaginative, playful, spirited, friendly, curious, talkative girl I know. God has blessed me beyond my greatest imagination with who you are and who you are becoming.  Your stories make me laugh, your memory amazes me, as does your eloquent speech.  You love making cards for people because you say it's a way that you can show love to others. You ask questions about everything, I can't hide any details from you.  You love to sing and make up songs, just like mommy and daddy do.  And you memorize songs so quickly. You love to sing "take me out to the ball game", "God bless America", several Beatles songs, "I love you Lord", and several VBS songs from Jacob's Well's first VBS last week. 

I've noticed lately how long your legs are getting. And one evening when I held you in my arms and told you to stop growing up so fast and stay my baby forever you looked me straight in the eyes and told me with a serious face "I can't stop growing Momma. God made me to grow up. I can't be little forever."  I nearly burst into tears. 

I love you so much. You are my best girl. 

Dear Sawyer 18month

Sawyer Allen, you are the sweetest boy. I'm so in love with you. Just the other day you sis got in trouble and was crying in her room. You could hear her from your room where I was nursing you, and you stopped nursing and pointed at the door and wanted to go see what was wrong. So I put you down and we went in to Quinn's room to hug her. As I was talking with her you toddled off and the next thing I new you had come back in with a strip of toilet paper, offering it to her and then patting her face, eyes, and nose with it.  You continued to go back into the bathroom, which now had a long roll of TP coming out of it, and tore off little pieces to offer to your sister to wipe away her tears and blow her nose.  You continue to amazing me.

When we are at playgroup and a kid is crying, you go up to them and pat their back and then give them a (sometimes tackling) hug.  You are just the sweetest boy. You are always giving us hugs and kisses. You snuggle your stuffed animals, before chucking them across the room. You love to snuggle with mommy and nurse and rock and FINALLY you also love to read books!!  When you wave hello to people you look like you are "raising the roof".  If you wake up before your sister you love to try to race into her room before I can stop you and then stand by her bed, emphatically waving in your upwards motion to say "hello! Good morning!" to her sleeping body. 

I tease that you are a little like your Daddy and Grandpa Ben bc you freak out when, for example, you get your pants with the watering can or I put your bare feet in the sand box.  You can also be quite meticulous when picking up your blocks, although you make TONS of messes as well, like pulling all the books off your shelves or throwing all your food on the floor.  Speaking of throwing things, you really like to throw all your toys, cars, books, cups, etc. which we are working on so you don't keep hurting friends at playgroup. 

Your smile is infectious. Your giggles intoxicating. Your cries heart breaking. You are very attached to mommy still and do not like being dropped off at JW kids community or BSF, but I think we are improving.  You don't use many words yet but you know lots of signs. You LOVE to point at cars going by on our street and up at the helicopters and planes.  You've developed your own sign for vehicles which is to say "vmmm vmmm" and run your hand a long your chest or belly. You know where your nose, ears, mouth, head, and belly button are. You know where a hat goes. You love the book "Get Dressed Dino". You will repeat some words like ball, bubble, momma, dada but you don't use words on your own.  You sign for cup, nurse, more, please, car, hat, and do a lot of grunting and screeching. You know lots animal sounds like elephant, dog, duck, snake, cow, horse. 

At your 18 month appt Friday, Dr. Moylan said you were growing perfectly. You are 75th%tile for height and 50th for weight at about 33 inches and 25lbs.  You are walking like a champ now. You are starting to play more with sister although there is still a lot of supervision needed as she gets frustrated easily and resorts to pushing you.  We are always reminding her to be a good model for you, for you certainly love to watch her and do what she does.  Time for me to get to bed my love. 

I love you always,

Momma

Quinn- 3 1/2 years old

Hello my best girl,
Each time I put you to sleep I pray over you.  It's usually one or both of these prayers:

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace."

"God made you.  God loves you.  God blesses you.  And God is with you."

The last one is the blessing the say over each child in the Loft on Sundays at JW.  Then I kiss you goodnight and I tell you I love you and that you are my best girl.  Your eyes light up and you get a big smile on your face.  Sometimes you say "Momma you are my best girl."

O my child, give me your heart. May your eyes take delight in following my ways.

Proverbs 23:26

 

Sister, you are my sweet, sassy, beautiful, intelligent, curious, imaginative, loving girl.  It February and we are still listening to the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas CD because you (and Sawyer) are obsessed with "Drummer Boy" and "Toy Soldiers".  You know most of the words now, and belt them out, and EVERY SINGLE TIME you say "here comes the crazy trumpet!"  You say, "Momma you know why I always like to listen to "Toy Soldiers" every day?"  "Why Quinn?" "Because I like the crazy instruments!  The crazy trumpet! Hahahah!"  And we talk about all the instruments we hear and you sing some words wrong and I don't correct you, like "soldiers are blinking, soldiers are winking, at each pretty little man-ger" (instead of "maid").

 

You've started drawing people!  You've always been much more interested in writing your name or other words like, Mommy, Grandma, etc. But a couple weeks ago, and all on your own, you drew a very detailed Mommy, Daddy and Baby.  You named each body part as you were drawing it.  I was so proud of you!  You have been really into making "cards" for people.  You color or stamp or put stickers all over a paper or card and then you want an envelope and you like to fold the paper and stick it in the envelope (this is sometimes frustrating) and lick the envelope and use stickers to keep it closed.  You always tell me who they are for, usually Josie or Jude, or Otto, or Caleb or Abby, or Jayden (we mailed that one), or for Daddy or Grandma or for me.  You are a sweet friend.  You always ask if you got any mail and love getting the occasional card or package.  When someone gives or send you something you say "Oooooh!  That's so sweet of them!  That's so sweet of them!"

When I was sick with a cold you prayed for me and said "God please help Mommy to feel better."

 

You always refer to Daddy as "My Dad" when you are talking to him.  "My Dad, can I have some milk?"  It's very sweet.  

 

You are in ballet class at the KC Ballet Bolender Center!  Mark and Dave got you two months of classes for Christmas.  It. Is. The. Cutest. Thing. I've. Ever. Seen.  And you love it.  I stand at the door made of two-way glass and watch you.  You seem to be following your teacher's directions and watching intently.  Sometimes I can tell when you start to drift off and stare blankly into space, or get distracted by one of the girls who acts up.  And sometimes I see you chewing on your toenails.  Yuck!  You have quite the bad habit of nail biting.  But when you are dancing, it is so precious.  I hold these things close to my heart.  It makes me think of Luke 2:19 ^"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."  or another translation: "Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself."

 

 

 

A while back you were laying next to me, kissing me all over and holding my hand and you said, "Someday, when I'm bigger, and Jude is bigger, we can get married like you and Daddy are married.  Do you want to come to my wedding?"

 

Saturday during the rainy day:
 Q-"why is the sun not out and the sky is dark"
Me- "well because the clouds are covering the sun. And all of those clouds are dark and full of... (Giving you wait time to say "rain")
Q- "Mischief!?"

(I was then corrected by Daddy that the clouds were actually covering the earth, not the sun.)

 From November:
It finally happened. I dragged Quinn out of bed when I found this tonight.

She looked at me with wide eyes and said "momma, why did you color on the wall?" Then I buried my face into the bed to hide my laughter and Jeff told her I was crying.

 

Sawyer 15 1/2 months

Hello my little man,

It's been so long since I've written. These days you are still determined to crawl and you are very fast. You stand and walk around things (holding on) but are not much interested in walking on your own or as your main mode of transportation. 

You are the sweetest mommy's boy, though you love your daddy as well. You go right to him and want to be held each day when he comes in the door home from work.  But you are my sweet snuggle bug. You love playing with my hair when I'm holding you or when you are nursing. You love to give hugs and kisses. You always want to be held or crawl in and out of my lap.  You are going through an attachment phase and having trouble when we leave you in the nursery at church or BSF. You've finally started sleeping though the night (most nights) and you did it all on your own!!  

You use baby signs a lot and you are starting to scream a little less. You say "uh oh" when you drop or throw something. You say "vroom vroom" and run you hand across your chest when you see any type of vehicle.  You say "bum bum bum bum" to the drummer boy beat whenever we get in the car bc you and your sister are obsessed with that song. Speaking of Quinn, you love your sister, except for when she's too rough with you. You love you play on the couch with her.  You will slide off and then stand at the couch and hold your hands up and whine until she comes and pulls you up under your arms. Then you two wrestle around and giggle. Some days when you wake up from your nap, you crawl out your door before I can catch you and straight towards Quinn's room to try to wake her up. Luckily I get to you before you accomplish this task.  You still don't let me read to you very much. I have a few books with flaps that help keep your attention.  You've started to pick up Quinn's baby dolls and "snuggle them"- so sweet.  You even held a bottle to the doll's mouth to feed her...before launching the bottle, followed by the baby, across the room. :) 

I love you so much and love every sweet moment I get with you. 

This has been my prayer for you and Quinn this week, that God and your daddy and I would win your hearts: 

O my child, give me your heart. May your eyes take delight in following my ways.

Proverbs 23:26